INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

October 22, 2009 · Posted in General Silliness 

I had this on my website in 2005 and just recently found it on the Internet Archive.

INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same clothes. Wear each outfit one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
4) Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Place a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something — anything — ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the correspondence to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
12) Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it “IN.”
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send email messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

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